Only Human
by AwesomePants87
Summary: The question of what to do now that the apocalypse is over is finally brought up, and Dean isn't sure he likes where the final decision is going.


"There is no home, there is no heaven. There is only you."

Castiel's words hung in the air. They were quietly eating dinner in their motel room when Castiel had brought it up – what they would do now that the war was over. Castiel had been officially pardoned by the angels, and as a result been given a choice as his reward: He could remain on earth as a human and live out a normal life, or he could return to Heaven to remain as an angel forever, never to walk on earth again. Castiel thought the choice to be an easy one – he wanted to stay with Dean, leave everything behind for him.

Dean sighed. "You can't give up everything for me, Cas."

"Dean…."

"No. This isn't some self-loathing, 'I'm not worthy' bullshit. I know what it feels like to have someone give up everything for you. It hurts." Dean paused and looked away from Castiel's face. He stared down at the floor as he continued. "And I know what it's like to give up everything for someone. There is _always_ a part of you that regrets it and everything changes. It happened with me and Sam and it'll happen with us. "

Dean's eyes moved back up to meet Castiel's. Dean held his gaze, daring Castiel to speak, to challenge what he said.

"I will not regret it."

"Bull shit."

"I won't, Dean."

"You're telling me you won't miss it at all. You won't miss hearing your brothers, or heaven, or feeling at peace, and always…always feeling the absolute love of God." Dean moved closer to Castiel, stopping when he was inches away from his face. "You look me in the eye and tell me I'm worth giving it all up."

Castiel opened his mouth, ready to tell Dean that he was worth it, that heaven meant nothing to him and he could easily turn away. But the words wouldn't come. He closed his mouth and looked down, the weight of it all finally hitting him.

Dean tilted Castiel's face up and kissed him softly on the lips. "This isn't about me not wanting you. I've wanted you since the moment you sat down on that park bench with me and admired all that was human." Dean leaned his head forward until their foreheads were touching, closing his eyes as he pressed into Castiel. Castiel's breath was hot against his skin and he could feel him tense slightly as he continued. "If we do this, if you stay, I want you to be sure. I want you to realize what you are giving up. I want you to think about it. I didn't think about it with Sam, not really anyways. I was too focused on protecting him, bringing him back that I didn't consider what I was giving up…how I would feel about what I'd be losing. I _need_ you to think about this."

Castiel nodded and disappeared.

___________________________________________________________________________________

Two weeks passed with no word from Castiel. Dean had been staying at Bobby's getting some much-needed R & R, or at least he was supposed to be. He couldn't sleep. He kept thinking about what Cas would choose and what it would mean for the both of them.

Of course he wanted Cas to stay, but he wasn't sure he could handle what it meant. Dean had never been comfortable being the reason for anyone giving up anything. And now this....this was huge. He knew it would get to him; he'd feel overly obligated act out, and probably be an all out dick to Castiel at times. It didn't mean he didn't love him, it's just _how Dean works_. Castiel choosing him meant that this would be for good. He'd be in this relationship till the end. And that was terrifying.

The alternative was worse: a life without Castiel. If Castiel chose to return to Heaven and stay an angel, Dean would have to learn how to live without him. The possibility of never seeing Cas again physically hurt, but _his_ pain he could handle. After Hell, he got pretty good at pushing his feelings aside and going on with his life. It wasn't a good way to live but he could do it again if he had to and he would if it was what Cas wanted.

Dean let out a frustrated sigh as he continued to pace back and forth in his room. The waiting was the worst part. He kept playing out each alternative in his head and it was driving him nuts. He just wanted Cas to be here to let him know his choice so he could deal with it.

"Hello, Dean."

Dean jumped slightly, startled by Castiel's entrance. "Cas…uh, hey, I…umm"

"I have thought about it, and I want to stay with you."

_Quick and to the point, that's why I love him,_ Dean thought. He opened his mouth to speak but Castiel cut him off.

"I understand your concerns, but this is not the same as what you did for Sam. I am not giving up my life to be with you. I am gaining one. I was an angel for a millennium and it was all I ever knew. I felt comforted and safe with my faith in God and knowing that my brothers were with me. Since being on Earth, I have been confronted with emotions and doubt. My faith has been tested and I have lost that safety. But I have also gained you." Castiel took a step forward, shortening the distance between them. "I cannot say that I will not miss my former life as an angel, but I had my time as that being. Now is my time to be with you."

"What if it doesn't work?"

"Dean…"

"No seriously, what if _we_ don't work. I've never done this before Cas, been in a committed long-term relationship. The closest I ever got was Cassie and even that was only for a few weeks. What if I fuck this up?"

"Dean, do you love me?"

"Of course I do."

"Then you will not fuck it up."

Dean laughed harshly, "It's not always that simple Cas. I'm a self-loathing, insecure, fucking needy, stubborn-ass bastard. I could fuck this up."

Castiel moved closer to Dean and placed his hands on Dean's neck. "Possibly, but I have been with you through the worst of times. And even as you fought me and pushed me away, I always came back. No matter what you do Dean Winchester, I will always come back."

Huh, unconditional love from someone who wasn't family. Dean never thought he'd see the day. He closed his eyes, overwhelmed. It was too much, too good to actually be real. He brought his hands up to Castiel's face and cupped his cheeks. He nuzzled Castiel's forehead as he whispered, "Say it again, please, say it again."

"I will not leave you. No matter what." Castiel uttered the words that Dean had been dying to hear his whole life from his Dad, Sam, anyone.

Dean let out a breath, a tear falling down his face. "I know what you are giving up. No matter what shit I pull, I promise I will always come back to you, too. Even if I'm an idiot and I get pissed and leave….I will always come back. I know what this means…..I know _how much_ this means. I won't take it lightly."

"I don't want you staying out of obligation." Castiel said as he stepped away, removing himself from Dean's grasp. "If your only reason for staying is because you feel like you owe it to me, then I do not want this."

"No, that's not what I meant. I just..." Dean sighed, "I want you to know that I realize what you're giving up and I won't take it for granted. With Sam I felt like when I got back…I don't know. It's like it was all for nothing, like he just took what I gave him and shit on it. He went dark side and left me behind and I just wanted to scream at him and tell him 'Do you know what I lost for this?!'"

Dean roughly ran his hand through his hair and sat down on the bed. He dropped his head in his hands and let out a shaky breath. He was quiet for a while and Castiel remained standing, waiting for Dean to continue. When Dean finally spoke his voice was soft, more controlled.

"I don't want you to feel like that and I don't want this to ruin us." Dean looked up, meeting Castiel's eyes for the first time since he began talking. Castiel moved toward Dean and sat down on the bed beside him. He took Dean's hand and laced their fingers together.

"It won't. This is not the same as you and Sam. I know that I can never be an angel again but it does not mean the same to me as it used to. Being human comes with its complications. You have irrational emotions, conduct tedious acts for personal hygiene, and your bodies are incessantly wanting or needing something, but there is also something about you that we envy. You have thoughts, doubts, feelings….hope. You are free to make your own choices and you strive always for a better life. There is a reason why you all were God's chosen ones. You are special and I am excited at the prospect of living a human life. This is what I want and I am comforted that you do not take it lightly. We will make it work." Castiel's grip on Dean's hand tightened.

Dean turned to look at Castiel and squeezed his hand back, a small smile growing on his lips. "Ok."

"Ok?"

"Yea, I mean I can't promise it'll be easy but.."

"Dean, with you I am used to things not being easy."

Dean laughed. "So when does it happen...you becoming human?"

"As soon as I let them know of my decision. I wanted to speak with you first."

Dean looked away, an idea slowly forming. He turned back to Castiel with a smirk on his face and began pushing Castiel back onto the bed. He shifted so he was straddling Castiel's waist, biting his lip as he held back a groan. It had been too long since they were together. Castiel looked up at him, his brow furrowed in confusion, but his hands were already sliding to Dean's hips.

"Hold off on telling them till tomorrow. I want one more night of angel sex before you're human like the rest of us."

Castiel chuckled beneath him. "Are you implying that once I am human the sex will not be as good?"

"No, it'll be great but I am going to miss some of the perks." Dean bent down, kissing Castiel's neck.

"Perks?"

"Yea," Dean moved his lips to Castiel's ear, nibbling softly on the lobe. He lowered his voice and whispered in a husky tone. "Now do that thing with your wings again."


End file.
